This thought has crossed my mind several times, but really hit me
yesterday while driving home from work: There are two kinds of people in
the world - those who believe in the bumper
sticker as a statement and
those who think the bumper sticker people need to figure out their
I’m one of the people who think that bumper sticker folks need to
figure out their larger issues.
Maybe it’s different in other parts of the country (or the world, for
that matter). I can only really use the Portland, Oregon locale as my
frame of reference since I’ve never really spent too much time in other
places. Stick with me here - I really don’t think I’m wrong on this
For example, if you own a Volkswagen bus
(already you’ve dug a hole for yourself, but…), where is it written
that you need to cover the entire back end of the bus with bumper
stickers? And, yes, I’m counting the Grateful Dead
No one is more tired of seeing those stupid
than I am.
I also noticed that if you do choose the bumper sticker route, all
the bumper sticker people in Oregon have made a pact that they all need
to have a “Visualize Whirled
Peas” sticker, like that’s
the most original or funny statement ever.
This is actually what set me off and made me think to write about this
- I was driving behind this Volvo-driving hippie with his Grateful Dead
sticker, his “Clearcutting Kills Salmon” sticker, and his obligatory
“Visualize Whirled Peas” sticker, when I felt this overwhelming urge to
pull him out of his car and wipe the stickers off his bumper with his
forehead. It really makes me wonder - do these bumper sticker people
really think that driving around with these statements on their
barely-passing-DEQ-Volvo-automobiles is going to make people stop
clearcutting or consuming natural resources (or anything else for that
Maybe I’m just jaded. I mean, the first time I saw a beggar with a
sign saying “Why Lie? I Need A
Beer,” I gave the guy a fiver. I
thought it was clever, and if you can provide entertainment of some
nature, sure, I’ll contribute. (Hey, I gotta get something for my
money - there’s no free lunch out there.)
But now when I see these dozens - nay, hundreds - of people (some
wearing nicer clothes than what I’ve got on at the time), all of which
are carrying “Why Lie? I Need A Beer” signs… it just irritates me.
I think that’s what’s happened with the “Visualize Whirled Peas” thing.
I think I can dredge up a memory of a time when I actually thought that
was clever. It’s just not anymore. And there’s the rub.
You know, I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. Maybe I’m just
frustrated at the lack of originality out there. Maybe I just think
bumper sticker people are mindless sheep lacking any proper sense of
humor. Maybe I’m just talking to hear the sound of my own voice. Who
knows? I guess the long and the short of it is, if you want to make a
statement, make the damn statement already and lose the stupid bumper
Oh, and all who wander are fucking lost, so get some direction and
contribute to society already. You know who you are.