[Days Until Vegas: 26]
Before I get going on this, just let me state for the record that I am
not a big coffee drinker. It’s just a little too bitter for me,
regardless of what “roast” or “flavor” the coffee claims to be. I’m a
“three-creams-four-sugars” kind of coffee drinker. Why do you think I’m
down with the Ventitm Mocha
Some things just set me off, though. That’s pretty much why I even have
this blog thing - so I can go off in a semi-public fashion about how
totally stupid people are.
Oh, also for the record - I hate people. But that’s a whole other
At work we have these common coffee pots that you can get coffee from
any time you want it. There are three different blends: “Viennese,”
“Sumatra,” and “French Roast Decaffeinated.” On the rare occasions I go
get coffee, I drink the Sumatra. The Viennese is too bitter, even with
extra cream and sugar, and the decaffeinated… eh, what’s the point?
The thing about the coffee pots is, the employees themselves have to
keep the coffee brewed; there’s not someone whose job it is to just brew
coffee all day. As such, there are large signs all over the place
telling people that if they take the last cup, they need to make another
We all see where this is going.
What that amounts to is that the coffee pots are in one of two states
at all times:
- Half a cup of coffee in the bottom of the pot, cold; or
- Empty and abandoned
The side product of this is that any time I want to get my seldom-drunk
cup of coffee, I get to be the guy who brews the new pot. (I’m getting
to be the Coffee-Frickin’-Masta. I gots the mad coffee brewing
Apparently, this also produces large quantities of people who drink
coffee but don’t have a clue how to brew it. Even though there are
directions taped to the side of the coffee maker.
For example, even I knew, before brewing my first pot of coffee ever,
that you have to grind the beans. I guess some folks don’t realize
Today I entered upon an entirely new situation - someone decided they
wanted to brew coffee into a full pot. This amounted to a pot-full of
coffee all over the counter, the floor, under the coffee maker, behind
the sink, down the front of the cabinets… you get the idea.
So, for those of you in the cheap seats, here’s how to make coffee:
- Get some coffee beans.
- Grind the beans.
- Check: is that enough to make a whole pot of coffee? If not, you’ll
need more [ground] [coffee] beans.
- Put the beans in a coffee filter. If you don’t use a filter,
you’re gonna get chunky coffee. Most people don’t like that.
- Put the filter into the filter holder of the machine. The ones here
at work are a separate item, but I’ve seen machines where the filter
just sticks right in the machine. I’ll have to trust you to figure
out where the filter goes.
- Get an empty, clean pot that will be large enough to hold the
coffee you’re brewing.
- Put that empty, clean pot under (what we will call) the coffee
- Push the GO button.
- Wait until the coffee is finished brewing before you remove the
- Dispose of the filter and used coffee grounds. You can not use the
grounds again. If you’re environmentally conscious, compost them.
Normal people will send them to the landfill. The point here is that
you don’t leave nasty, congealing coffee grounds for the next
Clean up any spillage. Yes, there’s some there. Use your eyes.
Congratulations! You’ve just made a pot of coffee!
I think my work is done here. I gotta go wash my hands - they smell
like nasty cold coffee.