Coffee: A Primer

food, humor comments edit

[Days Until Vegas: 26]

Before I get going on this, just let me state for the record that I am not a big coffee drinker. It’s just a little too bitter for me, regardless of what “roast” or “flavor” the coffee claims to be. I’m a “three-creams-four-sugars” kind of coffee drinker. Why do you think I’m down with the Ventitm Mocha Frappuccino®?

Some things just set me off, though. That’s pretty much why I even have this blog thing - so I can go off in a semi-public fashion about how totally stupid people are.

Oh, also for the record - I hate people. But that’s a whole other issue.

At work we have these common coffee pots that you can get coffee from any time you want it. There are three different blends: “Viennese,” “Sumatra,” and “French Roast Decaffeinated.” On the rare occasions I go get coffee, I drink the Sumatra. The Viennese is too bitter, even with extra cream and sugar, and the decaffeinated… eh, what’s the point? The thing about the coffee pots is, the employees themselves have to keep the coffee brewed; there’s not someone whose job it is to just brew coffee all day. As such, there are large signs all over the place telling people that if they take the last cup, they need to make another pot.

We all see where this is going.

What that amounts to is that the coffee pots are in one of two states at all times:

  • Half a cup of coffee in the bottom of the pot, cold; or
  • Empty and abandoned

The side product of this is that any time I want to get my seldom-drunk cup of coffee, I get to be the guy who brews the new pot. (I’m getting to be the Coffee-Frickin’-Masta. I gots the mad coffee brewing skillz.)

Apparently, this also produces large quantities of people who drink coffee but don’t have a clue how to brew it. Even though there are directions taped to the side of the coffee maker.

For example, even I knew, before brewing my first pot of coffee ever, that you have to grind the beans. I guess some folks don’t realize that. Grind the
beans! Today I entered upon an entirely new situation - someone decided they wanted to brew coffee into a full pot. This amounted to a pot-full of coffee all over the counter, the floor, under the coffee maker, behind the sink, down the front of the cabinets… you get the idea.

So, for those of you in the cheap seats, here’s how to make coffee:

  1. Get some coffee beans.
  2. Grind the beans.
  3. Check: is that enough to make a whole pot of coffee? If not, you’ll need more [ground] [coffee] beans.
  4. Put the beans in a coffee filter. If you don’t use a filter, you’re gonna get chunky coffee. Most people don’t like that.
  5. Put the filter into the filter holder of the machine. The ones here at work are a separate item, but I’ve seen machines where the filter just sticks right in the machine. I’ll have to trust you to figure out where the filter goes.
  6. Get an empty, clean pot that will be large enough to hold the coffee you’re brewing.
  7. Put that empty, clean pot under (what we will call) the coffee nozzle.
  8. Push the GO button.
  9. Wait until the coffee is finished brewing before you remove the pot.
  10. Dispose of the filter and used coffee grounds. You can not use the grounds again. If you’re environmentally conscious, compost them. Normal people will send them to the landfill. The point here is that you don’t leave nasty, congealing coffee grounds for the next person.
  11. Clean up any spillage. Yes, there’s some there. Use your eyes. Congratulations! You’ve just made a pot of coffee!

    I think my work is done here. I gotta go wash my hands - they smell like nasty cold coffee.