Donut Etiquette

I think it’s great when people bring donuts (doughnuts, etc.) to work to share. That’s awesome. Either first thing in the morning or midday, I’m ready for that pastry goodness.

There’s a certain donut etiquette, though, that the consumers of the donuts need to follow and I fear that there are a lot of folks out there who don’t realize they are committing a faux pas - nay, a cardinal sin - when they do this. I will say this once, clearly, for the record:

It is never okay to only take half a donut.

You people in the cheap seats, take a second look at that statement. Read it until you understand it. I don’t care if you’re diabetic, if you’re on a diet, if you’re just not hungry, or whatever you think your excellent reason is - you may not cut/rip/mangle the donut in half and then only take half. In all seriousness, do you think anyone really wants the donut half that’s been fondled by some unknown individual and discarded back into the box like yesterday’s birdcage lining? Hell, no. Nobody wants your discarded donut half.

Here’s the solution: If you don’t want the whole donut, just take it anyway. Eat what you want, throw out the rest. Those people who would have otherwise eaten your other donut half won’t feel too bad having to rummage through the trash can and dig it out because that’s effectively what they’re doing anyway.

Better still, find a friend who agrees to split the donut with you. If you’re a willing participant in donut-sharing and have a say in how it gets split, it’s a little different than grabbing the anonymous donut half that sits lonely in the box.

Regardless, don’t leave half a fucking donut in the box. You will go to hell for it. I’ll personally make sure of it. This same thing applies to muffins, snack cakes, and any other type of food that comes in units of individual serving size. Take the whole serving. No one wants your refuse. Ass.