Captain's Log: Snow Day

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Captain’s Log: December 9, 2016.

School has been canceled for the second day in a row. The school district claims this is due to “potential safety concerns” for people coming in from higher elevations where there may be ice and snow, but our vessel is less than one mile from the school and there is nothing on the ground, nor is there anything falling from the heavens.

I think it’s a plot.

Of the regular crew of three, only two of us remain on board. The XO has gone on an away mission to work leaving me here with the first mate. I am attempting to address my standard duties but the first mate, being (what I understand is) a typical six-year-old, is fairly needy and in a constant attempt at mutiny.

I have considered throwing her in the brig but given the smallish size of the vessel, such sentences don’t last very long and definitely don’t have the desired effect. I have, however, informed her that if she continues her mutinous trend that her very life may be in danger. We’ll see how long she lasts when I throw her overboard into the icy waters.

There is constant rumblings of “nothing to do” and “super bored,” the suggested remedy for which is, naturally, “more television.” I have suggested several alternatives based on the diversions available on board, including - but not limited to - Barbies, Magnatiles, LEGOs, art projects, Playmobil make believe, stuffed animals, play kitchen, tea parties, dress up, and other various combinations of toys with inventive scenarios. None of these placate the desires of the restless first mate.

I find interruptions from the first mate come in at regular 15 minute intervals, almost as though she has a timer set somewhere. I will log such an interruption as an example here:

I was sitting in my office attempting to work through the daily reports. As I was sitting here, I heard a small but growing call.


I raced from my office to find the cause of the call. The first mate was sitting eating breakfast.

“What is it, Phoenix? Are you hurt? With the amount of screaming, you’d best be really injured or bleeding or something.”

“I just wanted to tell you I love you.”

“NO. No, you don’t get to just screeeeam for no reason and then try to get away with it. Finish eating your breakfast.”

This sort of interruption occurs, as mentioned, fairly regularly. Either a call comes in or the first mate enters unannounced to make a nonsensical request.

I would ship her off to a neighboring vessel to play with one of her crewmates but I’m unfamiliar with the other ships’ captains so that’s not really an option. I believe one of her crewmates lives across the street. I will make a note to become more familiar with that vessel so I am not caught by surprise like this again.

Should our boat sink within the next few hours, this log explains the brewing storm being faced. There is a high probability that the first mate’s mutiny will succeed before the XO returns. When I am done with this log I will raise a distress call on the radio to see if any help may be coming. I have little hope.