I went to Safeway to stock up my fridge at work and get some lunch.

I only go to Safeway, at least on this side of town, once in a blue moon. How come every time I go there's either construction in the parking lot or they're remodeling the building?

Apparently, this time they're putting in a Starbucks. Because there aren't more Starbucks outlets around here than there are 7-11 stores.

While I was shopping, I realized there's something they don't sell that they should.

How come you can't buy fried eggs?

I mean, in the name of convenience, they have cooked chickens, sliced cheese, and microwave breakfast sandwiches, but if I wanted to buy a fried egg, I'm SOL. They could come in round Pringle-style containers. You could buy them in three varieties - solid yolk, liquid yolk, or (for the health-conscious) no yolk. They could even have spin-off products: poached eggs, hard-boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, etc. All you have to do is put 'em on a plate and nuke 'em for a protein-filled snack.

I'll have to think about this some more.

I went on a mission last night to find my Ottawa Senators home jersey but failed miserably. I am surprised at all the myriad baseball, basketball, and football paraphernalia found at sports fan stores around and the distinct lack of hockey or soccer stuff. Not that I'm a soccer fan, but those two sports seem vastly underrepresented in the merchandising arena, at least in the Portland, Oregon area.

So after calling around to some places this morning, I ended up ordering it off the NHL site. There were other sites that had Ottawa jerseys, but none had the home jersey. So, NHL it is.

I also started cashing in my Yahoo! Visa points for SuperCertificates so I can buy the James Bond Collection, Vol. 1, from Amazon. Once I get those points cashed in, I'll probably order that and my copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City since they both come out within three days of each other.

And I ordered The Bourne Identity (the TV miniseries) and a book from the Barnes and Noble site because they're offering free shipping on any two items you order, which I find more acceptable than Amazon's current promotion of free shipping for orders over $49. Barnes and Noble was more expensive for each item, but with the free shipping thing I saved, like, a buck or two.

I really need to stop buying things. I'm actually putting quite a cap on the stuff I've bought lately since I got my frickin' Visa bill. YOW! Time to make use of the things I have and stop getting new things. Of course, not buying stuff means not going too many places, which is fine with me, but Jenn gets a little restless at times. Besides which, the stuff I like to do at home (reading, art projects, PS2, etc.) is usually inherently one person stuff, and it would be nice to involve Jenn in the stuff I'm doing.

Oh, well. Such is life.

Hey, gang.

Due to lack of popular demand, I've opened up the paraesthesia Junk Store. Right now, I'm selling one - count 'em - one t-shirt style. Hey, it's my first foray into t-shirt design. Anyway, I've got this thing set up so I can now create new t-shirt styles and everyone who gives a rat's ass can wear paraesthesia.

The existing shirt style is, shall we say, a little "less than exciting." I'll work on some new ones and see what I can put out there. Honestly, it's mostly for myself - this is the best/only way I know to make up my own custom shirts and crap. But I figured, might as well open it up to the rest of the world too. You guys might want some, right?

I learned something this morning when I opened my mini-fridge at work to get a beverage:

If you turn the fridge up past the 50% mark, Snapple "Element" beverages freeze solid.

I also learned, as a corollary to that lesson:

If you let Snapple "Element" beverages freeze solid, they will expand enough to seep out the top of the cap, whether you opened the bottle or not.

Welcome to my grape-covered world.

Interestingly, Sobe beverages do not freeze solid, though some crystals do form.

The fridge has since been turned back down to 50%.

Tonight I'm going to go to the mall and pick up my Ottawa Senators home jersey if they have one. I decided on that over, say, binoculars, because I think I'd get more use out of the jersey. Besides which, honestly, what am I going to do with binoculars? Maybe I'll go into Software Etc. and preorder my copy of GTA: VC.

Speaking of buying things, I went out this weekend on a mission to find the original TV miniseries to The Bourne Identity on DVD. I guess I forgot (and remember now that I've looked on Amazon) that it won't be released until August 27. I suppose that explains why I couldn't find it anywhere.

Went to see Goldmember this weekend and had a blast with it. Really didn't get the Dutch jokes, but thought it was, overall, probably the best Austin Powers movie. I don't think it would have been as funny had I not seen the other two movies because a lot of the jokes built on stuff shown in the previous films. Still good, though. Loved the Ozzy cameo in there.

Jenn and I really need to have a garage sale. We have just way too much crap. Since we moved all of our movies and videos into bookcases, we've got a bunch of those wooden video racks and DVD racks to get rid of. Plus we sort of missed out on the whole "spring cleaning" thing, so we need to go through our stuff and I'm sure I'll come up with many more items. Like the boxes to toys that I have out that I realize I'm never going to sell - I don't need the cardboard boxes they came in. Much as I'd like to think I might make out like a bandit if I ever did sell them.

I woke up this morning 10 minutes before my alarm went off because a guy in my dream shot me in the nuts with a silenced .22 semi-automatic pistol.

I really should probably stop reading spy novels.

Ahem.

Today, as many may know, is Sysadmin Appreciation Day.

And let me say that I have the coolest boss ever, because he got me a $50 gift certificate to ThinkGeek in honor of said day.

So I clicked over to my ThinkGeek Wish List and ordered myself up a SoundBug and a cool SQL t-shirt. I'm stoked.

I pulled out yet another nice, chilly beverage from the refrigerator under my desk this morning. I cannot stress the convenience I've found in such a thing. I really need to get some running water and a microwave in here.

I still haven't decided what I should get with the money from the other fridge. I figure I've got about $80 to work with, so I could get lots of small things - DVDs, CDs, etc. - or I could get one big thing. I'm leaning towards one big thing. But what? Options include...

• Ottawa Senators home jersey


• Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (preorder) - I'd actually probably get this at Software Etc. at the mall because you can preorder and get a free strategy guide with it


• The big Alphonse Mucha book I've been looking at


• A glare screen for my television (the glare on our TV is awful)


• A hooker (okay, I was kidding about that one, but I had to make sure you were still paying attention)


• A Cost Plus World Market shopping spree (which would last about six seconds because I like all the expensive stuff in there)

I'm just not sure. I'm sort of an impulse shopper, so I don't know what I want until I walk through the store and see it. I'm leaning towards the Senators jersey, though. You can never have enough hockey jerseys. Stylish and comfortable.

I think I will go this weekend to see the new Austin Powers movie. I've heard a lot of good things about it, so I'm hoping it's as funny as it sounds. I crack up every time I see the preview where Austin is staring at Fred Savage's mole. "MOLE! Moleymoleymoleymoleymoley...." It just never gets old.

I still haven't seen Men In Black 2 yet. I heard it wasn't all that and a bag of chips, so I guess I'll wait for it to hit the Bagdad and then go see it for three bucks.

(Yes, it is a word.)

I have to go off on this one because it's one of those pet peeves that I'm sure bothers everyone out there but nobody really talks about it because they don't want peoples' feelings to be hurt.

System administrators, especially those concerned with security, are, by and large, excessively pompous individuals.

Either that, or they don't have any social skills.

Or maybe both.

The reason I say this is that, over the course of my employ with various technology-related companies and whatnot, I've had the opportunity to deal with several different sysadmins, and most of them had a particular security focus (as a good sysadmin should). By that same token, almost all of them have committed the following gaucheries while discussing their various interests with me... keeping in mind that I, too, am a reasonably well-versed sysadmin, at least where the applications I am responsible for are concerned:

• Treated me like I dropped out of school in the fourth grade.


• Directly contradicted everything I said, then later restated my thought, taking it as their own, denying that I said it to begin with.


• Spoke to me as though English were not my first language (hey, slower and louder always makes me feel like I'm speaking with a peer).


• Explained to me a basic concept as though it were the first time I'd ever heard of such a thing. For example, I'm a web application developer... why would you explain to me what a web server does? I'm pretty sure I've got that down.


• Quoted, verbatim, security notifications received from agencies like CERT, and claimed it as their own thought.


• Suggested that they, as an admitted non-programmer, might know more about programming than me.

I think you see where I'm going. I don't like being treated as though I'm stupid. And you can't just say "it's because they're trying to teach me." Bullshit. You've been in school, right? RIGHT? There were two kinds of teachers: the teachers that took the time to explain things to you the right way; and the teachers who were condescending about everything and thought all the kids were stupid.

Guess which kind of "teacher" sysadmins are.

One of the main reasons I bring this up is that Sysadmin Appreciation Day is coming up on Friday. I don't expect anything out of it, but if you do decide to "appreciate" your local sysadmin, keep in mind whether they're condescending and bitchy or whether they're nice and explain things reasonably.

Again, not all sysadmins are like that. Sometimes you get the good ones; the ones with social skills. I'm just saying they're few and far between.

Jenn and I saw Phantom of the Opera last night and it was wonderful. Honestly, it was all I hoped it would be. The costumes were perfect, the sets were perfect, everything was great. Only two things I think were issues...

First, the way I imagined it was slightly different than how it played out on stage. Yeah, not an issue really, but sort of an interesting turn. Most of it was right, mainly just the end was different than how I expected it. Second, the lady who played Christine was just a tad sharp on everything she sang in the first half of the show. I was okay with it and decided to ignore it, but leave it to my mom to break me from my Suspension of Disbelief and remind me repeatedly about how sharp she was.

Overall, though, brilliance. I'd definitely see it again if it comes back. I'm starting to think about getting a Portland Opera subscription because there are lots of other shows I want to see as well. It's expensive, though. I dunno.

Speaking of expensive, we ate dinner at this place downtown called "Veritable Quandary." It was sort of... well, "preppy," in a Pottery Barn sense. People wearing black shirts and tortoise-shell glasses. Waaaay too many wines on the wine list and even more people that thought they could actually tell the difference between them all. Very good food - Jenn and I both had the "Black Angus NY steak" - but slightly on the spendy side. It's actually got a restaurant and a bar; the restaurant is in the back, the bar's up front. The bar sounded like it had some tasty normal-people food, so we may have to go back and check that out.

I pulled a nice, cold drink out of my new birthday refrigerator this morning and it's just right. It took about 24 hours for the fridge to get up to full speed, but now it's ready to chill.

My boss/friend, Greg, just came over and told me he's going to the coast for the day, taking some friends from New Mexico who haven't been to the Oregon Coast yet.

I have a problem with the Oregon Coast - that it's a coast and not a beach. What's the difference? If you go to the beach, you expect sand-colored sand, nice blue water you can wade in, sun... you see where I'm going with this. Hawaii has beaches. California and Florida have beaches.

Oregon has a coast. You can't wade, really, because if you spend too long in the water you're going to get frostbite. You can't sit on the sand for too long because the wind will sandblast your face and any other exposed body parts. You can't wear glasses because it's always misty there (and you know about the magnetic properties of water and glasses). The sand is a dingy brown-gray. The water is... dingy brown-gray.

I love beaches. I hate the Oregon Coast.

Man, I sure go off on little rants at the drop of a hat, don't I? Here, I was expecting to write a nice review of my Phantom show, and then I get sidetracked by my hatred for the Oregon Coast. Welcome to my world. Now do you see how I could go out without combing my hair?

Surprisingly enough, the birthday barbecue last night went off without a hitch.

People in attendance:

• Grandma and Grandpa (Dad's parents)
  
• Granddad (Mom's father)
  
• Tori (sister)
  
• Tai (sister) and Dan (Tai's fiancee)
  
• Mom and Dad
  
• Jenn
  
• Dan and Aggie (Jenn's parents)

Dad cooked up some burgers on the grill and we had chips, dip, and various fruit/vegetable salads. We also had a Grand Marnier chocolate cake (my favorite) from JaCiva's, a local chocolatier, courtesy of Jenn. Mom got me some Monsters, Inc. plates, napkins, and tablecloths, which were fun. People seemed to get along pretty well and there was no drunken brawling, so I would consider it a success.

This was actually the first event that my parents and Jenn's parents have spent any time together at. They seemed to get along rather well, especially our fathers, who talked about model trains and remote control HumVees most of the night.

The gifts were plentiful and all were cool (which is a rarity... You know how you usually get that one gift and you're speechless because it wasn't remotely anything you wanted? That didn't happen.). I got:

• From Tori, a funky zebra puppet that I can torment my kitty Xev with; and a Survivor board game that looks like quite a lot of fun
  
• From Tai, an electronic meat thermometer fork (I barbecue a lot, so that'll be handy)
  
• From Dad's parents, a check (you can always use money); and a windchime that has hung in their kitchen for, well, my entire lifetime as far as I know... very cool, since it totally reminds me of them
  
• From Jenn's parents, a small refrigerator/freezer to go under my desk at work
  
• From my parents, a strategy guide for Medal of Honor: Frontline; a big box of Crest Whitestrips (is that a hint?); and... a small refrigerator/freezer to go under my desk at work

Yes, that means I have two refrigerators. Great minds think alike, eh? Interestingly enough, the two are actually identical items with different brands attached to them. Too funny. So I've got one plugged in here at work now doing its thing and the other will get returned for... well, I don't know yet. I've gotta think about what I want instead. Maybe some binoculars or a digital camera. I'm not sure how much the fridges cost.

All in all, a rather successful celebration. Tonight Jenn and I will have dinner at Veritable Quandary downtown and then see Phantom of the Opera. I'm looking forward to a brilliant evening.

Yay, me, it's my BIRTHDAY!

Thus far, I've already had two donuts for my birthday. Granted, that was in our staff meeting where there's always donuts, but hey - they're birthday donuts as far as I'm concerned.

Later today there's a birthday celebration in the other building here at work for all the July birthdays. Cake and ice cream there. And on my birthday. All the better.

Tonight my parents are having a barbecue at their place for my immediate family and Jenn's parents. I think this will be the first time Jenn's parents have actually spent time at an event with mine. Should be interesting.

Speaking of family events, I saw the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding last week. Friday, I think. Anyway, it was really, really funny. I learned two things from that movie: First, that Jenn's family is probably part Greek ("I have 27 first cousins..."). Christmas at her grandma's house is a lot like the wedding preparations you see in the movie. Second, any illness can be cured by Windex. I've yet to verify this latter point.

My baby Xev kitty is a demon in cat's clothing. She's so wild all the time. Sometimes I wonder if she actually sleeps. I'm beginning to think she likes being squirted with the water bottle. I do know that she likes playing in the sink, and when we're not looking she'll jump up onto our kitchen counter, run to the sink, and start drinking the water soaking on the dirty dishes. She's very bad. If she wasn't so cute, I'd be forced to kick her ass. She's starting to play well with Semper (the other cat), though. It's kind of funny to watch - Semper is like 16 pounds and Xev is maybe 3 pounds. It's sort of like a squirrel playing with a polar bear.

That's about it. So far, my 26th is just another day in a long line of days. I'll probably have more tomorrow once the barbecue has taken place.

Since tomorrow is my birthday, I will take a cue from Walt Disney's rendition of Alice In Wonderland and sing myself the "Unbirthday Song."

Now that I've done that, I feel better.

Jenn gave me her gift early since she realized I'd suspect something if she hadn't, and rightly so. She got me lettering for my Winter Hawks jersey - my favorite player, Eric Bowen, #26. For those in the Winter Hawks know I'll admit that no, he wasn't the greatest player in the world. He was a mediocre puck handler and had okay skating skills. But when he was on the ice, no opponent was safe from the wrath, man. That boy would throw down unlike anything ever seen. He's actually what convinced me to buy season tickets in the first place.

So Jenn took me and my jersey to Northwest Skate Authority and we sent it out for lettering. Yay, me! I'm stoked. I have wanted that for a long time but really didn't know when I'd get it done. So now it's good to go, and I'm a happy camper.

Speaking of birthdays and unbirthdays (sort of): let it be known that I hate cards. I hate 'em. Cards are the sappiest, most meaningless show of feeling ever. It's $3 you'll never reclaim - you get the card, you sign your name, you hand it to the recipient, they read it, they pitch it. There's the life cycle. If they're environmentally conscious, they might recycle it. However, there are two exceptions that I have found thus far to the "card rule." The first is a handmade card. Anyone who takes the time to create a card by hand - not just with one of those ready-made card programs on the computer, but actually works to create the card - has legitimized their feelings in physical form. I appreciate that. The second is a certain series of cards distributed by Flavia Art. This particular series has a nice, rich artwork to it, a decorated envelope, and just pretty much makes me happy just looking at them. Here's a birthday card in that series; here's the anniversary card I bought my parents this year. They have posters like that, too. Good stuff.

Jenn and I go see The Phantom of the Opera on Wednesday. I'm really looking forward to it. I've never seen it before, but I know the music by heart, so I'm expecting great things.

Oh... went shopping this weekend with Jenn because she wanted to find a dress to wear to Phantom and something for my sister's wedding on August 9. I'm not sure if I'd call it a successful trip. See, I'm not too picky about clothing. Or maybe I just find stuff that I like and buy it regardless of how it hangs on me, how it's cut, etc. If I like it and it generally fits, I get it. I mean, I walked into the store, wasn't even looking for shorts, and found some rockin' shorts that fit, on sale. No problems.

Jenn's more of an enigma in that respect. She didn't want a black dress because you "can't wear black to a wedding" (why, exactly, is beyond me; I'm wearing a black suit, after all). She didn't want anything too long because it's going to be hot at Phantom (it's pretty hot this week in Portland). And so on.

Anyway, we shopped for hours. Seriously. I walked the entire mall, saw everything I wanted to see in every other store, and still spent time in the "man chair" outside the womens' dressing room in Meier and Frank. In the end, you know what she bought?

A sleeveless black dress that goes to the ground, in the style of one of those Chinese dresses. And she's not even going to wear it in the near future. She'll wear something more casual to Phantom so I don't have to wear a suit (which is a good thing) and then wear an outfit she already owns to the wedding.

Sigh.

Other than that, I'm still reading The Bourne Identity and totally loving it. I think I may dedicate some time to it when I get home.

I have a big rant about the show American Idol that this whole post is basically going to be about, but there are a few minor topics that I need to get out of the way before that happens.

First, I noticed that AllPosters.com has a great selection of Mucha art. Brilliance. Anyone who wants to buy me any of that, be my guest. They have not only prints but actual lithographs of the stuff, too. I swear I could go broke on that.

Next, I am starting to make my bi-monthly switch from Kung Fu movies to spy/action movies so last night I was watching Tomorrow Never Dies - not one of the better Bond movies, but it had Teri Hatcher in it, and Pierce Brosnan is my favorite Bond, so I guess I can't bag on it too badly. Anyway, that got me looking at Amazon, where I am noticing that they're finally re-releasing the Bond movies on DVD come October 22. I'm going to have to investigate how many Yahoo! Visa points I have and maybe cash in to preorder some of those.

Finally, let it be known that it took me 90 minutes to get home from work yesterday and I only live 14.3 miles away from my place of business. That averages out to 9.5mph. Why? Because there was a car fire that blocked all but one lane of traffic. I couldn't get off the freeway because by the time I found out what was going on, I was on the inside lane of four lanes of parking lot. Besides which, there were no exits between where I was at and the car fire - only entrances. Great.

I had a sort of epiphany, though, while I was sitting parked in that mess. We should be able to file a class-action-style lawsuit against anyone who does something that holds up traffic on that level. Why? Consider how much was wasted in time and natural resources - I know I burned almost a quarter tank of gas going all of 14.3 miles, and I get good gas mileage. Now consider the amount of time that was lost between all the people who had to sit through that. The idea here is that if people would drive carefully and maintain their automobiles, we would have fewer things like car fires. If everyone caught in that mess could file a class-action suit against the idiot not maintaining their car, the people caught could at least reclaim something for having to sit through that. Insurance companies could offer class-action liability insurance, sort of like your basic "collision" coverage, that would cover you in the event you're the jerk fucking up the traffic and you get the lawsuit filed against you. The fire department would get paid, the police would get paid, and the people would get paid. There are some kinks to work out - like how you determine who really was caught in the traffic, to what extent you define "caught in traffic," etc. But the idea's there. Let's get on this, people!

Okay, now on to American Idol.

I hate to admit it, but I'm sadly sucked into this show. I'm not even sure why. It's just interesting, I guess, to see how America rates performers compared to how I would rate them.

I watched it last night, and came to the conclusion that I really, really, really HATE the show's hosts, Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman. I HATE THEM. They're like... they're like two really stupid Bob Sagets. I hate Bob Saget, and I hate these guys. They have zero presence, zero wit, and zero talent. I literally clapped when Simon Cowell told them to shut up last night.

Speaking of Simon, that's the whole reason I'm thinking of American Idol this morning. People don't like Simon because he speaks his mind and doesn't sugar-coat the stuff he says. If he doesn't like your singing, he'll tell you straight-up that you sucked. And you know what?

He's right.

I think there is only one time ever that I've disagreed with what he thought of a performer - he liked Ejay Day and I really just don't like him. Besides that, though, when Simon has said someone did an average job - he was right. When Simon called two of the finalists "losers" (presumably referring to Jim Verraros and AJ Gil), he was dead on.

What I don't understand is why Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson insist on congratulating the contestants on poor performances. What happens when some lamer wins and then gets ripped a new one by critics? I guarantee the press is not going to be as friendly as the Randy and Paula are. Simon's just giving it to them straight - I think it's Randy and Paula that need attitude adjustments. Call it like it is. No use building people up only for them to be torn down later. Cut your losses and move on.

I think I may use the link on Simon's page to write him an email to tell him he's right.

Enough on the judges. On to the contestants.

It's a tough one. I think they do have the best contestants in the running right now, except for Jim Verraros and AJ Gil, who do, in fact, suck donkey. Christina Christian is cute, but the vibrato she's got going on any note she holds longer than a second is really annoying. EJay Day and RJ Helton are just average as far as I'm concerned. No real presence. Nice voices, but that's about it. The rest, though... that's a tough one. I tried to think: having heard them all sing, generally understanding their styles, whose album would I buy if I saw it on the shelf?

I never really came up with an answer for that.

Kelly Clarkson seems like she could easily go country a la LeAnn Rimes, and I really hate country music. She does have a nice voice, though, she's cute and has a decent style. Maybe.

Tamyra Gray seems like she would go Whitney Houston or maybe even slightly hip-hop. Pending on how catchy it was, I might buy that album. She's not terribly attractive to me, though, and her overall style is just so-so. Also a maybe.

Justin Guarini has, by far, the best voice of them all. I'm just not sure I can figure out what his style is. It's almost like he would do well as a 70's funk throwback, but honestly, he could sing anything and I think he'd do well. I think it'd depend on what sort of album he put out. His look is sort of nondescript, and that's a problem. I'm not sure how to remedy that, either. I'd probably buy the album.

That leaves my two favorites: Ryan Starr and Nikki McKibbin.

Ryan has a distinct look - she's hot, she has her own style, and she's not afraid to show it. Plus, she's sang a variety of different songs (and genres) throughout the competition and she's done well at them all. I think she'd do really well in some sort of Bif Naked style band. I'd definitely buy her album.

Nikki is my absolute favorite. She's got the best overall style and she's definitely the most original. I like the sort of "rebel" thing she's got going. She didn't do too well singing the Motown genre last night, but I think she'll do way better when they get to something like Alternative Rock. I could see her in a band like Garbage or Hole... but somehow almost more original than that. I dunno. But I'd definitely buy her album. Probably a poster, too, since she's a total hottie. Something about the hair and the overall look just gets me.

This entry is a big thank you to Jenn for being soooo helpful and observant this morning. It's also a good illustration of how badly and easily I get sidetracked.

After I got out of the shower this morning, Jenn let our baby Xev cat into the bedroom. Xev climbed my towel (while it was wrapped around me) up onto the counter and Jenn got in the shower. So far, so good. I got myself ready while watching the cat. The cat likes it when you turn the water on in the sink so it just barely runs - she sticks her foot in it, shakes it off, then does it again. She also likes to try to eat your toothbrush, destroy the Dixie cup dispenser on the counter, etc. So while I was getting ready, putting on my deodorant, putting the gel in my hair, and so on, I was watching the cat and laughing.

There are about 20 minutes between Jenn getting out of the shower and me leaving. During those 20 minutes, Jenn and I are in the same room (the bedroom) getting our respective selves dressed and so forth. After that, I pack up and leave, Jenn shutting the door behind me.

I just now went into the bathroom at work. Took a leak, washed my hands, washed my face and...

WHY DIDN'T I COMB MY HAIR TODAY???

I've got hair running all over the place. It looks a lot like it does when I get up in the morning, but now it's conveniently gelled into place. Fucking great. Permanent bed head.

Now, I'm not shirking the responsibility for this hair debacle. I'm sure I just got sidetracked stopping the cat from destroying something. But there was another human in the room who could have said something. Is my hair that messy all the time that it's not noticeable when I comb it and when I don't? Shit, people, say something.

I don't have a comb at work. The best I can do is try to wet it and sort of beat it down with my hands. Dammit! Now what?

Okay, here's a sidetrack for you: In the event you want to send pizza and Pepsi to a patrol, section, or entire platoon of Israeli soldiers, you can do so at PizzaIDF.org. You can also send ice cream or burgers. Apparently there's a web site for everything nowadays. To be honest, sending pizza to Israelis never even crossed my mind before. Where's the site to send pizza and Pepsi to me? (Actually, I guess this is it. But it doesn't directly advertise the opportunity to send me food. Maybe I should step that up a bit.)

I called the Portland Winter Hawks office this morning and paid for the remaining balance on my two front-row season tickets. $468 each! Unbelieveable. I suppose I'd be really hurting if they were NHL tickets. Oh, well. Jenn and I have a ton of fun at the Hawks games, so it's worth it. Besides, it keeps me out of trouble. I think.

Plus, I sit next to this guy, Jerry, and his wife Deona (I think that's how you spell it) at the games. Jerry's a kick in the pants. This guy has so many screwed up stories. My favorite one is the one where he sets himself on fire while cleaning out his motor home. Too much.

This weekend I realized, yet again, that I really need one of those voice-activated recorders so I can just say what I'm thinking and later transcribe it into blog form. Better still, play it back to voice recognition software and have the software transcribe it for me. Then I could go back and just proof it. See, I think most of my more "deep" (reads: entertaining) thoughts occur while I'm in the car, in the shower, taking a leak, etc., because I'm just zoning out. The blog misses out on those because I've forgotten them by the time I'm done doing whatever it is I was doing.

For example: I have noticed from my past experience that if you wear glasses out in the rain, regardless of how you orient your head or attempt to cover your glasses, the rain will always get on them. Always. This leads me to believe that water droplets and plastic lenses must have some sort of magnetic attraction to each other. If we could somehow harness the magnetism between water droplets and plastic lenses, we'd have abundant free, clean energy. I'm still working on how to do that. Keep watch for it in the news; I'm sure I'll figure it out soon.

Then again, I realize too that if I had one of those voice recorder things then the blog would not only probably be waaaaay more random, but it would also have a lot more cussing in it. Maybe it would read like an Eddie Murphy sketch? I dunno.

I'm reading the book The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum because I really enjoyed the movie and my friend Brad from work (who was in the theater at the same time I was) mentioned that the book was really good. So, anyway, I'm reading this book and am realizing that the movie is almost a completely different story than the book. I mean, the names of the characters are the same (so far as I can tell; I'm not too far into the book) and the general plotline is roughly the same, but other than that... woo! Not even close. The book has so much that the movie just sort of skipped over, it's amazing.

That said, I really did enjoy the movie. I'm glad I saw it before reading the book, but I'll probably get it when it comes out on DVD.

Oh, and I watched Iron Monkey again this weekend - the first movie we've watched since we got the DVD player back from being cleaned. Something about Kung Fu movies makes me want to watch more Kung Fu movies. Like a slow growing, subtle addiction. Spy movies make me feel the same - if I watch a spy movie, I feel compelled to watch more spy movies. I go through month-or-two long stints where I'll binge on spy movies, slow that down, slip in a Kung Fu movie, then binge on Kung Fu. I wonder why that is...

The title on this entry is even more appropriate than I'd like, since I started writing it, got really frickin' far in it, then somehow lost it all - the admin page where I enter my stuff reloaded and, just like Keiser Soze, it was gone.

What it really implies, though, is that Jenn and I are almost back to where we were a month ago before this smoke-damage-soot-epidemic thing hit us.

Wednesday afternoon, my electronics (TV, DVD player, PS2, turntable, tape deck, VCR, speakers) all returned to me. The down side is that when the cleaning company took the digital pictures of where I had everything placed and how it was all set up, the pictures didn't come out. So I got to spend three hours that night unhooking everything, rearranging it all, then plugging it all back together and testing it. What a huge pain. I don't mind hooking up stereo equipment, but it wasn't on my list of things to do that night.

Then Wednesday night Horizon Restoration came by for their final walkthrough and we signed them out because all was well. With any luck, we won't have to see them again. I do recommend Horizon, though - they do great work. If you're ever in a crappy situation like we were, give 'em a call.

Jenn and I put our DVDs and videotapes on one of our two bookshelves, books on the other. That, along with our new effort to box up videos and books we don't use very often, is conserving vast quantities of space in our living room, allowing us to spread out the chairs and such and just overall improving the space utilization issue.

Where we're going to put the boxes is a whole other story.

Last night I got my new coffee table delivered! I found it in the SkyMall catalog while on the trip to Vegas and then bought it from a local retailer, Shleifer Furniture. The table itself totally rocks. I'm surprised nobody else I know has a clock-table. It's just very cool. The only issue I can see, which really isn't an issue for me, is that you can't put a lot of junk on the table because it obstructs the view of the clock and just looks bad. Well, shucks; I guess that means I have to be organized.

The table goes well with the Moulin Rouge! theme that we have going on in our living room. It has sort of an antique crackle finish to it; the wrought iron with a rusty patina. I love it.

Speaking of the Moulin Rouge! theme, ever since we redecorated, I've really gotten into Henri De Toulouse-Lautrec and Alphonse Maria Mucha art. Especially the Mucha. Something about the simplicity of it appeals to me. Simple elegance. I'm actually sort of addicted to the Mucha stuff; if I go in a store and pass through their art section, I have to look and see if they have Mucha art... and then I usually end up buying some. I really need to watch that. I'm going to go broke buying art.

On a whole other note, my company is having their yearly "Water World" party. That's where everyone has a big water gun fight. It's pretty fun. There's also a dunk tank that management folks get into so the employees can dunk them. My boss, Greg, is getting in this time, so I'll be sticking around to do a little Greg-dunking. Should be fun.

This morning I went in to my local Target store to see if they had any little cast-iron bistro sets that I could put on my apartment deck (they didn't). While there, I witnessed something I'm not sure I was supposed to see.

Upon trying to check out, I approached the cash register area... and no one was there. Looking closer, I saw that every Target employee on duty was in the customer service area.

There were probably 30 of them, standing in a large circle, all of them doing Tai-Chi-like exercises, all in perfect unison. When I approached, the entire group stopped and their apparent leader turned to look me right in the eye, and in a monotone voice declared, "It looks like we have a guest."

One of the employees broke off long enough to scan my item, take my money, and send me on my way. As I walked out the door, I could see her returning to (what I've decided to call) "The Pod."

Let me tell you, it was weird. It wouldn't have been any more weird had they been standing around a pentagram in goatskin chaps. It makes me wonder if these morning rituals have anything to do with the success of the store. Hmmm. I wonder if other stores take part in such things. Anyone out there know?

Before I get this going, a quick note: I saw both Minorty Report and The Sum of All Fears yesterday, and both were quite good. I'll have to work up a review for them when I get a chance.

Now, on with the show.

My commute this morning was like a gift that God Himself created special for me, wrapped up in a little package, and handed to me in my car. My normal commute takes about 45 minutes, give or take, in the morning and close to 60 minutes returning home in the evening. My commute to work this morning took 15 minutes. Unbelieveable. I almost cried.

This brought to mind a theory I've been working on that I thought I might share. Folks who know me have probably already heard this, but let me enlighten those who haven't. I call it "The Theory of Indefinite Commute." Let me explain.

If I leave really early in the morning, I can get to work pretty quickly (this happens on holidays, too, but we'll consider those anomalies for the time being). The later I leave from my house, the longer the commute takes. In fact, it increases at a nearly exponential rate. Once a certain point in the morning is reached, the commute starts taking less time because, of course, rush hour is ending. What happens right in the middle of those two times? That's where the theory comes in.

The Theory of Indefinite Commute: There is a time in the morning that, were I to leave and attempt to commute to work at that time, would result in me commuting to work indefinitely.

Here's a graph that illustrates the principle:



The time I leave my apartment is represented by the X axis; the time it takes me to get to work is represented by the Y axis. The blue lines indicate how the commute normally functions. The red line is what the theory revolves around. That's the point that, were I to leave at that time, I would commute for time and all eternity.

I'm not sure what, exactly, I've discovered. It may be a hole in the time-space continuum that opens up at exactly that time, sort of like in Time Bandits. Who knows? At times I wonder if I would simply commute until I died or if I would actually commute eternally, immortal. Someday, maybe, I'll attempt to locate exactly what time that is and try it... but I'm afraid of what might happen. Maybe it's got something to do with the Bermuda Triangle. Maybe it's got something to do with how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. I suppose, as Mr. Owl says, "The world may never know."

You know those stupid questionnaires that you get that your friends send you in email that ask you a bazillion questions so you can "get to know each other better?"

Yeah, you know 'em.

I hate those.

Of course, I feel strangely compelled to answer the questions at the same time, though. I'm not sure why, really. Maybe I feel the need to share because they shared with me. Either way, this time I got one and I decided to share my answers here, so I don't have to try to remember everyone's email addresses or perpetuate the junk mail. If someone wants to see my answers, they can come to the site.

So here you go.

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?
   That's a tough one. I've never really been anywhere, so I can't really say. But I suppose, given the choice, I'd probably choose either somewhere in Paris or maybe Rome. I should probably visit those places before committing to anything, though.
   
2. What's your favorite article of clothing?
   My Spider-Man baseball jersey. I also like my Winter Hawks jersey.
   
3. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
   Yow. I have to say "bust," like "statue" sort of "bust" - kind of from the armpits up. I have sort of an eye/teeth ratio that needs to be maintained - if you have great eyes but crappy teeth, you won't fly with me. Great teeth and ugly eyes don't work, either. I've also got a thing for nice hair, especially if it's been put up and has those little wispy bits flowing down around the ears. All of these features may be overridden partially by a nice display of cleavage, though.
   
4. What's the last CD that you bought?
   I bought Kylie Minogue's Hits + and Michelle Branch's The Spirit Room at the same time.
   
5. Where's your favorite place to be?
   At the movies.
   
6. Where's your least favorite place to be?
   Gigantic family events; or events where there are a large number of people that I don't know, don't really want to know, yet am expected to mingle with. Yes, this includes holidays.
   
7. What's your favorite place to be massaged?
   On the inside of my forearms.
   
8. Strong in mind or strong in body?
   Definitely strong in mind. I sit on my ass all day long programming. I'm a huge wuss.
   
9. What time do you wake in the morning?
   6:30a
   
10. What's your favorite kitchen appliance?
    The microwave has some serious appeal, though we just bought this giant cheese grater that I've grown an affinity for.
    
11. What makes you really angry?
    Way too much, probably. I really hate people who won't listen to me when I know I'm right. I'm not right all the time or anything, and I'll be the first to admit when I'm wrong... but when I know I'm right, you need to listen or there will be problems. I also hate bad drivers, and that means just about everyone else on the road.
    
12. If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
    Drums.
    
13. Favorite color?
    Used to be green, then red... now I'm liking blue. Like, cobalt, French blue.
    
14. Which do you prefer, sports car or SUV?
    Sports car. People who drive SUVs most likely don't need the four-wheel drive or the space it offers, so all it does is suck up gas and fuck up our natural resources. Don't even talk to me if you own one of those damn Ford Expedition gas guzzlers. I feel the same way about large pickup trucks. Also, most folks who own SUVs don't know how to drive them. If you own the car, learn to fucking park it. On the other hand, sports cars can be made to be gas-efficient, and the people who own sports cars usually know how to at least park them.
    
15. Do you believe in afterlife?
    As in, "Heaven?" Yeah, I do. Not so sure about reincarnation, though.
    
16. Favorite children's book?
    The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins by Dr. Seuss
    
17. What is your favorite season?
    Summer.
    
18. What's your least favorite household chore?
    Anything to do with yard work. Mowing, raking leaves, spreading barkdust. It's all one big suckfest.
    
19. If you could have one super power, what would it be?
    Telekinesis.
    
20. If you have a tattoo, what is it?
    No tattoos. No plan on getting any, either.
    
21. Can you juggle?
    Yup, but only three or fewer items.
    
22. The one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to?
    My grandmother from my mom's side.
    
23. What's your favorite day?
    Saturday. You can sleep in and you can stay up late, both without affecting your ability to make it to work and/or function.
    
24. What's in the trunk of your car?
    A car vaccuum and a set of jumper cables.
    
25. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
    Burger. I do like the seaweed and the wasabi paste that go with the sushi, but I'm not really a fish eater. Give me a big burger, though, and I'm in heaven.
    
26. Of the people you e-mailed this to, who's most likely to respond?
    Since I'm not emailing it to anyone, I don't expect anyone to really respond at all.
    
27. Who's least likely to respond?
    Well, everyone. Again, since it's not being emailed...

I got my baby kitty last night! She is the cutest thing in the world, about 10 weeks old and weighing only a pound or so. I named her Xev, after the character in Lexx, because the kitty has a flat tummy that has sort of lizard-looking spots. Also, she's pretty feisty, so I figured the name worked.

We picked her up from Jenn's cousin's house last night and took her to Petco ("Where the pets go") to pick out a bed and a scratching post.

$80 later, we came out with a new litter box (we realized the one we have isn't big enough for two kitties), a scratching post/"cat condo" thing, an Iams kitten starter kit (food, toy, bowls), and a couple of toys she can play with.

Then we brought her home to meet Semper, the 15 pound tub of cat that we already had.

Semper is a big cat, but she really just doesn't care about much. She's pretty laid back. She'll wanna sniff around, but she's not really going to do anything about anything.

When we introduced Xev to Semper, Semper sort of sniffed a bit and then flopped over on her side. Pretty obvious friendship offering, I thought. Xev decided to growl and arch her back, which was pretty funny because she's about as big around as a pipe cleaner, and the growl was more cute than scary.

Anyway, as Xev walked around, getting accustomed to her new surroundings, Semper would stay a constant four feet behind her. If Xev would start walking, Semper would start walking. If Xev stopped to smell something, Semper would sit down and wait.

Long story short, they weren't as fast of friends as I thought they might be, but I think there's potential. Xev needs to chill out and Semper needs to be a little less possessive of stuff (she'll hiss just a little bit if Xev walks past the food). I think it'll all be okay.

We put Xev in the bathroom overnight with her bed, food, water, and the old litter box. That way she wouldn't be in danger of getting into anything with Semper. Besides which, she cried so loud when she was just free that we couldn't stand it anymore and had to stick her in the bathroom. I'm surprised Semper didn't come around the corner and club her, the racket she was making.

I'll try to take a picture of her soon and put it up so you can see her. The people at Petco said she was part Bengal, which I tend to agree with - that's exactly what she looks like. Only tiny, and sort of lizardish. Either way, she's my baby.

After a busy week and a busier weekend, life around the house is almost back to normal. Tomorrow they'll pick up my electronics for cleaning. On Wednesday the cleaning crew is going to seal in our asbestos-filled ceiling because it can't be cleaned. Then Friday the upholstered items that haven't been taken (carpet, couch, etc.) will all be cleaned. Finally, Monday the crew will come and put everything back together.

Then this whole ordeal will be over.

Except that the apartment complex still owes me money for replacing all the food that was ruined, the day I had to take off of work to get things moving in the cleaning process, and all the meals we had to eat out because we couldn't cook in the kitchen.

I have a whole new respect for people who get nailed by smoke or water damage. What we've got is, I'm sure, nowhere near what a lot of people have dealt with, and even this little bit has turned life upside-down.

Jenn and I went to see Mr. Deeds this weekend and we both thought it was pretty darn good. It never hurts that Winona Ryder, shoplifter as she may be, is completely gorgeous. I've liked her ever since Beetlejuice and really got sucked in for Bram Stoker's Dracula... but this next-door-girl look she's got going in Mr. Deeds takes the cake. There is a qualification, though: With the long hair, she's like buttah. With short hair... eh. Not so much. But any day of the week, Winona, just stop on by my place. I promise Jenn won't mind.

Jenn and I went on a bit of a DVD-buying trip this weekend because it was double-discount day for employees at Fred Meyer. I ended up getting:

• Ferris Bueller's Day Off
• The Goonies
• The Long Kiss Goodnight
• Say Anything

I watched the director's commentary on Ferris Bueller and it was pretty cool. Unfortunately, my PS2 started crapping out toward the end; I'm not sure if it's dirty from the soot problem or if it overheats after about an hour and a half of playing or what. I ended up not getting to watch the last five minutes or so.

Hopefully tonight I'll get to pick one of the baby kitties that Jenn's cousins have. The one I want (and the only one left unclaimed) is the runt of the litter, a tiny cat with a flat chest like a lizard. I think I want to name her Xev.